I remember when I was at peace with myself, younger then, and more innocent...or perhaps wiser, solitude held no fear for me then. I was content then with my own company. I did not dislike he presence of others, but I did not actively seek out companionship either. I could be found raoaming around the garden, making worlds and creating adventures in my own imagination... perhaps these games were better off without a real and practical friend who may inadvertantly pointed out that all thses situations existed only in my own imagination.
Now I cannot bear my own company. That eternal optimism is gone. That faith that in the end all things will turn out well is gone. In its place are fears that rise up and suffocate at a moments' notice; the fear of falure mostly and disappointment.And therefore do I constantly seek distraction with friends, in music and books, in simply surfing the web... afraid of the dark corners that the mind will turn to if left in solitude; and yet despising in myself the cowardice that fears that which is within me.
I tell myself to be brave, that it is only the imagination that gave me so much joy when I was young , that turns on me now, with the same power that it hs always had, to make me believe in the delusions of my own mind... that the fears are of my own creation as the pleasures were, long ago. And all I have to do is to find the strength of mind to turn my thoughts away... but that strength does not come easily- not when shadows are so overpowering, and the future so clouded. And fearing to look into the uncertain future, I must "live in the present"- and to do that, I must have enough to occupy all my senses, and for this reason I keep myself constantly busy and surrounded by people, but no one is as alone ,as one alone in a crowd.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Living up to my designated title..
RA's named me bookworm... and with nothig nothing else to blog about I've decided to live up to that name. Thanks to my cousin with whom I stayed for a few days, I've caught up on my Sci-fi and Fantasy reading.
First... "Eldest"... the latest out on the Fantasy bookshelves... apparenly written by a teenager. For a teenager its brilliant... it does seem derived though... you can see influences of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars ....(why is it so standard for the hero's father to turn out be one of the arch-villains?)
Then the whole David Eddings series... the whole Belgariad thing...its not too bad... a bit little more for kids than for adults... and now I've found that apparently that there's another series that's a sequel to it... its not great enough to warrant obsessive reading but I can't just leave a series half way like that...
Then there's T.H White's "The Once and Future King"... for people interested in old folklore and mythology its a good read... all about Arthur and Merlin. Prefer Mary Stewart's series though- "The Crystal Cave", "The Hollow Hills" and so on.
Then there was Arthur C. Clarke's "Time's Eye"... its nowhere near stuff like Childhood's End or the "Rama" series... but it had some interesting points. And there's a sequel to it.. in my College Library... which is a lovely place with leather couches and all.
And finally there is my "Book of the Week". Its from a different genre from the rest, drama, action and absolutely amazing- Henry Charriere's "Papillon". Its an awesome story about a man who is given a term of imprisonment far in excess of what he deserves... and then his attampts to escape... over and over again, without giving up or giving in, his refusal to accept anything but utter freedom. Its an amazingly insightful book... a look into the underworld, their values and morals... the concept of honour among thieves, and yet in their own eyes they are not thieves at all... merely men doing what they must to get on in life.
Anyway speaking of bookworms I'll leave you with this:
First... "Eldest"... the latest out on the Fantasy bookshelves... apparenly written by a teenager. For a teenager its brilliant... it does seem derived though... you can see influences of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars ....(why is it so standard for the hero's father to turn out be one of the arch-villains?)
Then the whole David Eddings series... the whole Belgariad thing...its not too bad... a bit little more for kids than for adults... and now I've found that apparently that there's another series that's a sequel to it... its not great enough to warrant obsessive reading but I can't just leave a series half way like that...
Then there's T.H White's "The Once and Future King"... for people interested in old folklore and mythology its a good read... all about Arthur and Merlin. Prefer Mary Stewart's series though- "The Crystal Cave", "The Hollow Hills" and so on.
Then there was Arthur C. Clarke's "Time's Eye"... its nowhere near stuff like Childhood's End or the "Rama" series... but it had some interesting points. And there's a sequel to it.. in my College Library... which is a lovely place with leather couches and all.
And finally there is my "Book of the Week". Its from a different genre from the rest, drama, action and absolutely amazing- Henry Charriere's "Papillon". Its an awesome story about a man who is given a term of imprisonment far in excess of what he deserves... and then his attampts to escape... over and over again, without giving up or giving in, his refusal to accept anything but utter freedom. Its an amazingly insightful book... a look into the underworld, their values and morals... the concept of honour among thieves, and yet in their own eyes they are not thieves at all... merely men doing what they must to get on in life.
Anyway speaking of bookworms I'll leave you with this:
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Isolated...no news here :(
The big thing that everyone here is tlking about is Hurrucane Rita...hitting Florida and Texas...the hole place has been evacuated , people are saying that its going to be a bigger one than Katrina... but this time they're prepared- so there's going to be a lot less damage.
Katrina itself could have been a lot less damaging if only it had been properly managed, I think...it makes me proud of the way the Indian government handled events like the Tsunami- for which there was practically no warning...whereas hurricanes have a whole tracking and warning system ...which warn people several days in advance. The floods in Mumbai were also better handled I think than New Orleans ere...it seems that (surprise ,surprise), we're better equipped to deal with a crisis... or is that because we seem to have so many of them... a flood or a famine somewhere ...now its floods in AP.
I feel awfully cut off from the rest of the world here ...US newspapers report almost exclsively on regional and national i=news... there's almost nothing on International happenings... Europe at the most ...We'd probably hear about India only if there was some really catastrophic event.
The newspapers here aren't great either( Aditya- make note)... the falling standards of journalism seems to be universal... there are more tabloids screaming out about Brtiney Spears baby than any thing else at all the stalls. The supposedly good newspapers are either far left or far right...there's no such thing as unbiased news. Missing "The Hindu" here, for all its flaws it was a good morning read.
Katrina itself could have been a lot less damaging if only it had been properly managed, I think...it makes me proud of the way the Indian government handled events like the Tsunami- for which there was practically no warning...whereas hurricanes have a whole tracking and warning system ...which warn people several days in advance. The floods in Mumbai were also better handled I think than New Orleans ere...it seems that (surprise ,surprise), we're better equipped to deal with a crisis... or is that because we seem to have so many of them... a flood or a famine somewhere ...now its floods in AP.
I feel awfully cut off from the rest of the world here ...US newspapers report almost exclsively on regional and national i=news... there's almost nothing on International happenings... Europe at the most ...We'd probably hear about India only if there was some really catastrophic event.
The newspapers here aren't great either( Aditya- make note)... the falling standards of journalism seems to be universal... there are more tabloids screaming out about Brtiney Spears baby than any thing else at all the stalls. The supposedly good newspapers are either far left or far right...there's no such thing as unbiased news. Missing "The Hindu" here, for all its flaws it was a good morning read.
Friday, September 16, 2005
City of Angels
Well here I am ,at long last , in the Los Angeles, and I find that I have after all, very little to say. I can offer no startling insights on the land of the free. I can only say, that it may well take internity before I call this land, as beautiful as it is, home.
After the excitement of anticipation, after the sleepless nights, the hopes and the fears, living here is surprisingly mundane. There is every convenience, machines of all kinds, that are taken for granted here, that take the place of the maid servant back at home, and it is that humn touch that I miss.
In USA distance is of no great consequence, if you have a car(and the money) , anything can be got within the hour. America runs on ts cars and there is the rub, for the poor international student who drives on the wrong side of the road, to whom the system of roads and freeways is a maze, and the idea of waiting for a pedestin to cross the road is simply alien!
It has to be said that people here are courteous to the point of being painfully polite! Everyone is dreadfully helpful, and ironically compltely uninterested in another's business...Quite the opposite of India really. And yet I love the motherland for all her flaws, the surly auto-drivers, the rude conductors(I'l never complain about the pubilc transport in Madras again- at least in exists! ) - the heat, the dust- in this cold and spotlessly clean place(yes, California is cold! Any plce below 30C is cold for a Chennaiite)...And I am so terribly afraid that in time .I will become a person of no land...unable to return, wholly and without regrets to the land of my birth and unable to love the land I live in.
I am homesick right now, for friends and family and my dog. I'd give a great deal to have them scold me right now, or bug me or jump on me(whichever applies)But it is not always so. I can go for hours together without feeling the gnawing emptiness inside me, mostly when I am in Barnes and Noble the chain of bookstores)...that is very nearly Paradise on Earth!
Well, I am done unburdening myself. If it sounds depressing,don't let it worry you, its probably the jet lag speaking. An hour from now, only this printed proof will exist to show that I ever felt this way .
After the excitement of anticipation, after the sleepless nights, the hopes and the fears, living here is surprisingly mundane. There is every convenience, machines of all kinds, that are taken for granted here, that take the place of the maid servant back at home, and it is that humn touch that I miss.
In USA distance is of no great consequence, if you have a car(and the money) , anything can be got within the hour. America runs on ts cars and there is the rub, for the poor international student who drives on the wrong side of the road, to whom the system of roads and freeways is a maze, and the idea of waiting for a pedestin to cross the road is simply alien!
It has to be said that people here are courteous to the point of being painfully polite! Everyone is dreadfully helpful, and ironically compltely uninterested in another's business...Quite the opposite of India really. And yet I love the motherland for all her flaws, the surly auto-drivers, the rude conductors(I'l never complain about the pubilc transport in Madras again- at least in exists! ) - the heat, the dust- in this cold and spotlessly clean place(yes, California is cold! Any plce below 30C is cold for a Chennaiite)...And I am so terribly afraid that in time .I will become a person of no land...unable to return, wholly and without regrets to the land of my birth and unable to love the land I live in.
I am homesick right now, for friends and family and my dog. I'd give a great deal to have them scold me right now, or bug me or jump on me(whichever applies)But it is not always so. I can go for hours together without feeling the gnawing emptiness inside me, mostly when I am in Barnes and Noble the chain of bookstores)...that is very nearly Paradise on Earth!
Well, I am done unburdening myself. If it sounds depressing,don't let it worry you, its probably the jet lag speaking. An hour from now, only this printed proof will exist to show that I ever felt this way .
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
An Ending-and Moving On...
Today I'll be leaving to the US. The realisation came crashing down on me when I woke up this morning. All this time its been the excitement of going there...I've doing too much-.shoppping, packing,visiting people - to actually contemplate the fact that I won't be seeing all this, for at least another year. But there have been times when I look up and think, "I have to remember this, It may be the last time I will ever see it." And sometimes I slow down in the middle of eating and savour the food,like I'm afraid I'll never get good food again.
I'm dreading the good-bye's ,I'm going to miss this lovely house, where I've lived practically all my life, with its brick walls and lovely sloping roof. I'll miss the garden, with the pavizhamalli white and wonderfully scented in the front, next to the yellow kanni poo. The coconut trees that frame the sides, the guava on the side, the hibiscuses that rarely seem to bloom. But home is more about the flesh and blood that give life to the place. I'm going to miss everyone here, my parents, my sis, my grandmother,my dog, my friends...
I'm going to miss this city, with its hustle and bustle, miss trvelling by our infamous PTC buses, haggling with auto-drivers, the street shops in T.Nagar and Mylapore, the juice shops that have cropped up all over the place, "Shakes and Creams" and "Planet Yumm" near the beach, where we used to hang out...all my friends have already gone on, to work or for further study, it looks like I'll be one of the last to begin on the next step of my life. I look forward to it, but I'm still oscillating between exitement and apprehension.
I'm dreading the good-bye's ,I'm going to miss this lovely house, where I've lived practically all my life, with its brick walls and lovely sloping roof. I'll miss the garden, with the pavizhamalli white and wonderfully scented in the front, next to the yellow kanni poo. The coconut trees that frame the sides, the guava on the side, the hibiscuses that rarely seem to bloom. But home is more about the flesh and blood that give life to the place. I'm going to miss everyone here, my parents, my sis, my grandmother,my dog, my friends...
I'm going to miss this city, with its hustle and bustle, miss trvelling by our infamous PTC buses, haggling with auto-drivers, the street shops in T.Nagar and Mylapore, the juice shops that have cropped up all over the place, "Shakes and Creams" and "Planet Yumm" near the beach, where we used to hang out...all my friends have already gone on, to work or for further study, it looks like I'll be one of the last to begin on the next step of my life. I look forward to it, but I'm still oscillating between exitement and apprehension.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
A Tribute
Teacher's day is on September 5th, an occasion to remember all those brave souls who waged a war with my lack of intellect, who tried desperately to drive information into an empty head.
I have several favourite teachers, who deserve mention, starting all the way from Kindergarten.
There it was Helen ma'am(or uppity-bumpity ma'am- she taught us to draw bumps as well as our first letters). These teachers are largely underappreciated, and usually forgotten about, but they are the ones who have to put up with the worst and most unreasonable years of kids. It was Helen ma'am who put up with my tears when I wouldn't be separated from my grandmother(I actually demanded that she stay under the mango tree outside of class the whole time!...and of course as soon as one kid starts off....the others join in the chorous).I also remember following her around everywhere, clutching the pallu of her sari tightly, as she made rounds of other classes, and on one such day, when it was raining, and the roof was leaking(they were thatched roofs-a good excuse for a rain holiday)- I got a cold, and she was the first person(that I can remember)-to tell me to cough with the hanky over my mouth-my first lessons in ettiquette.
In primary school the first teacher who comes to mind is Sree ma'am who taught biology. She was as much a friend as a mentor, the first of those teachers we could talk almost as an equal, rather than a great and rather distant personality.
There was our Headmistress Guna ma'am, fair and kind, but strict- she took handwriting, and despaired of me, and took me to task because I was intent on speed rather than quality!
Then Shyamala ma'am who took physics, I can still hear her shocked "Dickens!" when we came up with particularly inventive answers or excuses.
There was our Principal Mr Sharma, who ended the assembly every morning with a "Please disperse quietly" Assemblies never felt quite right after he left, and then I changed school, and there about a year later we got a new principal, my chemistry teacher from my old school and my day was made when she ended the prayers there, with those old familiar words!
There are two maths teachers on my list. One is Abraham ma'am who taught maths in 4th and 5th standard, and created in me a love for geometry, which served me very well through the higher classes, the other is Vijymeenakshi Miss(the difference in title is because they were in different schools...I've always been more comfortable with ma'am myself...It doesn't make sense to call a married woman miss you know?)...Anyway, she was one of those rare people who could keep the class in order effortlessly... no screaming, threats...sending people out of class... and she was an excellent teacher...a rare breed indeed! She was small, barely 5 feet tall and had hair in a thick plait, all the way down to her knees! And her sarcastic "Well madam/sir?" when one of us was upto mischief still stays with me.
Through 11th and 12th the teacher I liked best was our English teacher Lakshmi Srinivasan -our English textbooks while not as dull as the other subjects were nothing to write home about, she still managed to hold us captivated through the dullest essays!
In college- there is our HOD- a wonderful person- inspirational in his passion for his subject. And very kind if you don't rub himthe wrong way. He has no patience with sloppiness, and god help you, if your shirt is untucked , or your ID card is misplaced!
And there is Annie ma'am(we voted for her to get the best teacher award) and Priya Shirley(another maths person) ma'am.
And in the end there is one person I have to mention- my paatu sir. I cannot call music a passion- although I love it, it has had to consistantly take second place to my other ambitions. But he has always been willing to teach me, whenever I have had to time to learn. He is not one who will waste words on compliments but an "Aah ok" means all the world from him.
I have several favourite teachers, who deserve mention, starting all the way from Kindergarten.
There it was Helen ma'am(or uppity-bumpity ma'am- she taught us to draw bumps as well as our first letters). These teachers are largely underappreciated, and usually forgotten about, but they are the ones who have to put up with the worst and most unreasonable years of kids. It was Helen ma'am who put up with my tears when I wouldn't be separated from my grandmother(I actually demanded that she stay under the mango tree outside of class the whole time!...and of course as soon as one kid starts off....the others join in the chorous).I also remember following her around everywhere, clutching the pallu of her sari tightly, as she made rounds of other classes, and on one such day, when it was raining, and the roof was leaking(they were thatched roofs-a good excuse for a rain holiday)- I got a cold, and she was the first person(that I can remember)-to tell me to cough with the hanky over my mouth-my first lessons in ettiquette.
In primary school the first teacher who comes to mind is Sree ma'am who taught biology. She was as much a friend as a mentor, the first of those teachers we could talk almost as an equal, rather than a great and rather distant personality.
There was our Headmistress Guna ma'am, fair and kind, but strict- she took handwriting, and despaired of me, and took me to task because I was intent on speed rather than quality!
Then Shyamala ma'am who took physics, I can still hear her shocked "Dickens!" when we came up with particularly inventive answers or excuses.
There was our Principal Mr Sharma, who ended the assembly every morning with a "Please disperse quietly" Assemblies never felt quite right after he left, and then I changed school, and there about a year later we got a new principal, my chemistry teacher from my old school and my day was made when she ended the prayers there, with those old familiar words!
There are two maths teachers on my list. One is Abraham ma'am who taught maths in 4th and 5th standard, and created in me a love for geometry, which served me very well through the higher classes, the other is Vijymeenakshi Miss(the difference in title is because they were in different schools...I've always been more comfortable with ma'am myself...It doesn't make sense to call a married woman miss you know?)...Anyway, she was one of those rare people who could keep the class in order effortlessly... no screaming, threats...sending people out of class... and she was an excellent teacher...a rare breed indeed! She was small, barely 5 feet tall and had hair in a thick plait, all the way down to her knees! And her sarcastic "Well madam/sir?" when one of us was upto mischief still stays with me.
Through 11th and 12th the teacher I liked best was our English teacher Lakshmi Srinivasan -our English textbooks while not as dull as the other subjects were nothing to write home about, she still managed to hold us captivated through the dullest essays!
In college- there is our HOD- a wonderful person- inspirational in his passion for his subject. And very kind if you don't rub himthe wrong way. He has no patience with sloppiness, and god help you, if your shirt is untucked , or your ID card is misplaced!
And there is Annie ma'am(we voted for her to get the best teacher award) and Priya Shirley(another maths person) ma'am.
And in the end there is one person I have to mention- my paatu sir. I cannot call music a passion- although I love it, it has had to consistantly take second place to my other ambitions. But he has always been willing to teach me, whenever I have had to time to learn. He is not one who will waste words on compliments but an "Aah ok" means all the world from him.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Far from the Madding Crowd!
At long last I have something to blog about. I took a break from the monotony of :
1Shopping
2.packing
3.Check list
4.repeat ad nauseum,
for a one day trip to Pondicherry.Mu Mum my sister and I. A last minute addition was our dog.(He jumped into the car and refused to get out!)So we took his doggy bowl,and lunch and lunch for all the bipeds, a book to read (which remains unread) and went on our way.
We took the Dindivanam road while going...the NH 45 as smooth as butter rolled along all the way...a little faster and I think we would have been flying! The route was scenic ...greenery as you would never believe in Tamil Nadu, almost unbroken except by the occasional village.
We stopped on the way by the Panchavati Panchamukha Aanjaneyar koil, a relatively new one just picking up popularity with devotees. The temple is still incomplete but promises to be quite grand in the future. The prasadam(pongal) at any rate was excellent(smelling wonderfully of ghee...) .
Our next stop was Auroville. We got pretty much lost in the roads and bylanes of the place, having missed the turn to the visitors centre and had to retrace our path by almost 4 kilometres. Alas, the Matrimandir is still not open to the public(it wasn't the last time we went either, nearly a year ago)...but we made it in time to wander in the gardens a bit and then spent an hour or so shopping.(The stuff there is lovely and, for three females...absolutely irresistable!)
We ate lunch under the shade of the trees in the parking lot, where Nuggy annoyingly picked a fight with the neighbourhood dog...he didn't seem to realise that is wasn't his territory! And then when we dragged him away, he went on strike and refused to eat luch. At long last, after coddling and coaxing him into eating, we were back on the road.
Pondicherry best known for cheap liquor and pirated DVD's( we bought neither- I feel like my life has been a waste ;))... is not all as quaint and charming as people would have you believe. The quaintness is limited to the old areas , where the French had settled...There the streets are called "Rues" and have exotic(and unpronouncable ) names. The stretch along the beach is a lovely walk and we had a fruit juice at a small restaurant where they didn't mind us bringing the dog in.
We went to the Ashram then, which would have been nicer if only we had some time to sit and take in the ambience of the place. It is beautifully maintained... flowers like you'd expect only in ooty and Kodai... and quiet and calm.Then we went to the Vinayaka Koil...and then we were forced to again heed to call of our tummies and went to an interesting little shop called Cottage Restaurant near a handicrafts shop of the same name...Pondicherry seems full of these handicraft things and antique stuff, which drove us quite mad...
We left reluctantly, by the ECR route, with the view of the sea all the way, looking calm and blue and serene. But we saw that the rows of identical houses built a good dostance from the beach for Tsunami relief...it seems that people aren't so trusting of the benevolence of the sea anymore.
Anyway...we're all home now, and none of us happier to be back than Nugget...he's going to think twicw about jumping into the car with us in the future!
1Shopping
2.packing
3.Check list
4.repeat ad nauseum,
for a one day trip to Pondicherry.Mu Mum my sister and I. A last minute addition was our dog.(He jumped into the car and refused to get out!)So we took his doggy bowl,and lunch and lunch for all the bipeds, a book to read (which remains unread) and went on our way.
We took the Dindivanam road while going...the NH 45 as smooth as butter rolled along all the way...a little faster and I think we would have been flying! The route was scenic ...greenery as you would never believe in Tamil Nadu, almost unbroken except by the occasional village.
We stopped on the way by the Panchavati Panchamukha Aanjaneyar koil, a relatively new one just picking up popularity with devotees. The temple is still incomplete but promises to be quite grand in the future. The prasadam(pongal) at any rate was excellent(smelling wonderfully of ghee...) .
Our next stop was Auroville. We got pretty much lost in the roads and bylanes of the place, having missed the turn to the visitors centre and had to retrace our path by almost 4 kilometres. Alas, the Matrimandir is still not open to the public(it wasn't the last time we went either, nearly a year ago)...but we made it in time to wander in the gardens a bit and then spent an hour or so shopping.(The stuff there is lovely and, for three females...absolutely irresistable!)
We ate lunch under the shade of the trees in the parking lot, where Nuggy annoyingly picked a fight with the neighbourhood dog...he didn't seem to realise that is wasn't his territory! And then when we dragged him away, he went on strike and refused to eat luch. At long last, after coddling and coaxing him into eating, we were back on the road.
Pondicherry best known for cheap liquor and pirated DVD's( we bought neither- I feel like my life has been a waste ;))... is not all as quaint and charming as people would have you believe. The quaintness is limited to the old areas , where the French had settled...There the streets are called "Rues" and have exotic(and unpronouncable ) names. The stretch along the beach is a lovely walk and we had a fruit juice at a small restaurant where they didn't mind us bringing the dog in.
We went to the Ashram then, which would have been nicer if only we had some time to sit and take in the ambience of the place. It is beautifully maintained... flowers like you'd expect only in ooty and Kodai... and quiet and calm.Then we went to the Vinayaka Koil...and then we were forced to again heed to call of our tummies and went to an interesting little shop called Cottage Restaurant near a handicrafts shop of the same name...Pondicherry seems full of these handicraft things and antique stuff, which drove us quite mad...
We left reluctantly, by the ECR route, with the view of the sea all the way, looking calm and blue and serene. But we saw that the rows of identical houses built a good dostance from the beach for Tsunami relief...it seems that people aren't so trusting of the benevolence of the sea anymore.
Anyway...we're all home now, and none of us happier to be back than Nugget...he's going to think twicw about jumping into the car with us in the future!
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